Pumpkin spice season has begun

There are the pumpkins. There are the fall-reddened maple leaves. And there’s the blob of diarrhea-like pudding that claims to be pumpkin spice Jell-o. Lots of artificial flavor, NO artificial sweeteners — so you know it’s healthy. Same great taste as — as what? As pumpkin spice that grows in the wild?

 

Thank you to Jenna for this photo, which in the epic catalogue of pumpkin spice-flavored food, is not even that bad.

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Four-dollar Egg

I don’t know what’s the worst thing about this.

Is it the fact that they’ve boiled and peeled an egg, added some fixin’s, and gave it a 2700% markup?

Is it the over-the-top protein concentration for people who probably don’t need any more protein?

Is it the fact that a naturally-packaged product has been unpackaged and then repackaged with environment-killing plastic?

Or is it that I would probably buy this three times a week if I had ready access?

 

Thanks to Emily Coit for the photo!

Organic Nut Balls

I don’t know about you, but when I’m hankerin’ for balls, I don’t want them to be adulterated. No fillers in the balls please. No preservatives either. The balls should be protein-rich, organic, and ready to eat. Don’t put flour all over the balls, or dip them in soya sauce. Just give me some simple, traditional, nut balls, the way grandma made them. Is that too much to ask for?

 

Thanks to Anne for this contribution!

Pumpkin Pie Popcorn

I have to confess: this is perhaps the least objectionable of the pumpkin pie trend horrors. Caramel popcorn is already a thing, as awful as I may personally find it. Some stickler for detail decided to call it “pumpkin pie” and note that a seasonal spice blend is really what “pumpkin” denotes today. In fact, I’m willing to say this pumpkin pie popcorn is almost a secret agent, a quiet force of rebellion against ubiquitous pumpkin spice domination.

Or perhaps I’ve totally lost it.

 

Thank you to Usha for this photo!

Macaroni & Cheese Loaf

You know those times when you want nostalgic carbs, but you also want cold cuts? And you need an efficient product that can deliver both into your insatiable maw at the same time, as part of one sandwich mega-complex? And you know how you despair of ever being able to eat with such pleasure-less calculation? Rest assured, food engineers have developed the solution of your dreams.

 

Thank you, Hailey, for stomaching the sight of this long enough to take a picture.

Energy mix for Women

Well, given that women are biologically incapable of using the same soap or shaving gel or dumbbells as men (ours have to be pink or we drop them), it stands to reason that we cannot eat the same energy mix as men. Men’s food gives them the energy to build the world, boss people around, criticize stuff, and make up stupid products to sell to women. Women’s snacks make them…. glow.

 

(Thanks for the folks who pointed out that this was a snack, not coffee!)

Thanks to Amy for her fieldwork!