Okay, guys, I think I’ve figured it out. Pumpkin spice is — well, it’s like a zombie virus from an apocalyptic movie. At first you find it in your coffee and you think, what in heck is going on, but surely I can avoid this by not buying ridiculous coffee. Then it starts to make its way into your cereal, your cookies, your popcorn, your pasta… until finally, every last cheese is infected with it too. Until the final scene, in which a variety of pumpkin-spice-loaded foods are lomping through the landscape, killing innocent humans by suffocating them with lethal quantities of nutmeg. I have seen the future, and it is terrifying. And aromatic. Terrifying, and aromatic.
Thank you to Susan for spotting this in the wild!
Friends, this has gotten out of control. Now, I like pink as much as everyone. A hot summer is made more bearable by a glass of rosé. Pink hair can be kind of punk. And cupcakes? Well, I’m glad that particular trend for tasteless sugar bombs seems to be dying out, but at least you were never surprised by them. You got cupcakes because you went into an overpriced cupcake store and bought them. Cupcakes did not surprise you by appearing inside paella pans or biryanis. You had to want them.
But now we have a cheddar cheese which can only have been made because someone thought cheddar itself was not good enough. Cheddar had to be like a cupcake and a glass of rosé at once. Otherwise it wouldn’t be “fancy”. Seriously, how hard is it to eat cheddar? Is it that unbearable for the adult palate? What kind of cheddar does your “artisanal” company make that you think it could be improved by putting pink fruit bits in it?
Okay, I’m going to go sit in the corner and breathe deeply now.
Thanks to Nicola for this impressive find. So fancy. Much fancy.
There are the pumpkins. There are the fall-reddened maple leaves. And there’s the blob of diarrhea-like pudding that claims to be pumpkin spice Jell-o. Lots of artificial flavor, NO artificial sweeteners — so you know it’s healthy. Same great taste as — as what? As pumpkin spice that grows in the wild?
Thank you to Jenna for this photo, which in the epic catalogue of pumpkin spice-flavored food, is not even that bad.
I don’t know what’s the worst thing about this.
Is it the fact that they’ve boiled and peeled an egg, added some fixin’s, and gave it a 2700% markup?
Is it the over-the-top protein concentration for people who probably don’t need any more protein?
Is it the fact that a naturally-packaged product has been unpackaged and then repackaged with environment-killing plastic?
Or is it that I would probably buy this three times a week if I had ready access?
Thanks to Emily Coit for the photo!
Finally, a candy product that puts the fallacious camel-humps-are-filled-with-water myth to rest. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we know where the liquid is stored. And so do our children.
Thanks to Brian Niblo for the pic!
I don’t know about you, but when I’m hankerin’ for balls, I don’t want them to be adulterated. No fillers in the balls please. No preservatives either. The balls should be protein-rich, organic, and ready to eat. Don’t put flour all over the balls, or dip them in soya sauce. Just give me some simple, traditional, nut balls, the way grandma made them. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks to Anne for this contribution!
I have to confess: this is perhaps the least objectionable of the pumpkin pie trend horrors. Caramel popcorn is already a thing, as awful as I may personally find it. Some stickler for detail decided to call it “pumpkin pie” and note that a seasonal spice blend is really what “pumpkin” denotes today. In fact, I’m willing to say this pumpkin pie popcorn is almost a secret agent, a quiet force of rebellion against ubiquitous pumpkin spice domination.
Or perhaps I’ve totally lost it.
Thank you to Usha for this photo!