Pumpkin Spice Beemster

Okay, guys, I think I’ve figured it out. Pumpkin spice is — well, it’s like a zombie virus from an apocalyptic movie. At first you find it in your coffee and you think, what in heck is going on, but surely I can avoid this by not buying ridiculous coffee. Then it starts to make its way into your cereal, your cookies, your popcorn, your pasta… until finally, every last cheese is infected with it too. Until the final scene, in which a variety of pumpkin-spice-loaded foods are lomping through the landscape, killing innocent humans by suffocating them with lethal quantities of nutmeg. I have seen the future, and it is terrifying. And aromatic. Terrifying, and aromatic.

Thank you to Susan for spotting this in the wild!

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Strawberry Chardonnay Cheddar

Friends, this has gotten out of control. Now, I like pink as much as everyone. A hot summer is made more bearable by a glass of rosé. Pink hair can be kind of punk. And cupcakes? Well, I’m glad that particular trend for tasteless sugar bombs seems to be dying out, but at least you were never surprised by them. You got cupcakes because you went into an overpriced cupcake store and bought them. Cupcakes did not surprise you by appearing inside paella pans or biryanis. You had to want them.

But now we have a cheddar cheese which can only have been made because someone thought cheddar itself was not good enough. Cheddar had to be like a cupcake and a glass of rosé at once. Otherwise it wouldn’t be “fancy”. Seriously, how hard is it to eat cheddar? Is it that unbearable for the adult palate? What kind of cheddar does your “artisanal” company make that you think it could be improved by putting pink fruit bits in it?

Okay, I’m going to go sit in the corner and breathe deeply now.

 

Thanks to Nicola for this impressive find. So fancy. Much fancy.

Coconut gouda

As awful as the idea of coconut gouda sounds, and to a rational person who does not author a blog on terrible food, it sounds pretty foul, the very idea of it cannot live up to the sheer horror of tasting it.

It’s not even the coconut, per se. There are cheeses made of coconut. But the folks who made this abomination, people who were clearly willing to leave a stain on their national history for the sake of a demented attempt at innovation, didn’t think natural coconut tasted coconuty enough to hold up to the gouda. So they added artificial coconut flavouring too.

The result is that biting into this cheese is like going into a Body Shop and drinking one of their perfumes, then chasing it with a bit of smoky cheese.

All kinds of philosophical questions are running through my head right now. Who would do something like this? What would compel them to create this monstrosity? Did they run focus groups, and were those people taking the piss when they filled out their questionnaires or did they really like it? And what kind of person actually buys this and eats it?

Me. That’s who. Me.