Nutella Kolaches

Sometimes I ask someone if I can use their photo on Food Gone Wrong, and they say, “No, that was actually good.” But to me, that’s the point. Sometimes food goes wrong and the result is just terrible, something no one would want to eat. Sometimes food looks bad, but tastes fantastic. And sometimes food is “wrong” because it’s not traditional or authentic or sophisticated, but is, in fact, delicious.

So it is with these Nutella kolaches, which my Texas correspondent/spy Kelly found in West, Texas. Are they authentic? Almost certainly not. Would I eat half a dozen of them in one sitting? Probably yes.

And since a good way to bring in the New Year is with abundance, they seem an appropriate way to ring in 2017. Let 2017 be a Nutella kolach for everyone – odd at first sight, unexpectedly sweet and rich once you take a bite.

Coconut gouda

As awful as the idea of coconut gouda sounds, and to a rational person who does not author a blog on terrible food, it sounds pretty foul, the very idea of it cannot live up to the sheer horror of tasting it.

It’s not even the coconut, per se. There are cheeses made of coconut. But the folks who made this abomination, people who were clearly willing to leave a stain on their national history for the sake of a demented attempt at innovation, didn’t think natural coconut tasted coconuty enough to hold up to the gouda. So they added artificial coconut flavouring too.

The result is that biting into this cheese is like going into a Body Shop and drinking one of their perfumes, then chasing it with a bit of smoky cheese.

All kinds of philosophical questions are running through my head right now. Who would do something like this? What would compel them to create this monstrosity? Did they run focus groups, and were those people taking the piss when they filled out their questionnaires or did they really like it? And what kind of person actually buys this and eats it?

Me. That’s who. Me.

Nachocolate

“American” food has hit Germany. Supermarkets now have bland, nearly-pureed salsa, cheese-flavoured tortilla chips, and if you’re very lucky, hard little marshmallows. But now the Germans have taken American-Mexicanish food to the next level. They’ve gone and put it in a Ritter Sport.

My friend Kathleen let me know about this, and the first chance I got I bought one and tried it. “Tastes like popcorn,” my husband said.

If they ever do a Ritter Sport with simit in it, I will be in heaven.

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Vegan pizza tots

My friend Frances is a vegan and a passionate cook, but even in the lives of great cooks, some failure must come. For example, when a quinoa-and-olive-based recipe for pizza tots results in bland, tooth-breaking nuggets of horror.

“The baked quinoa was like eating sand,” says Frances, and adds, “did I mention that they look like the turds of a dehydrated terrier?”

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