Wellness Ham

I don’t know about you, but when I think of “wellness,” “health food,” and “yoga facing a waterfall while my pert behind is being photographed,” the next thing on my mind is increasing my consumption of processed pork. But not just any pork — no, it has to be softly scalloped and thinly sliced pork, pork so ethereal it is crowned the ham of the month, or, as the text on the package has it, “the especially light ham indulgence.”

I’m so looking forward to “fasting salami” and “meditation meatballs.”

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Macaroni & Cheese Loaf

You know those times when you want nostalgic carbs, but you also want cold cuts? And you need an efficient product that can deliver both into your insatiable maw at the same time, as part of one sandwich mega-complex? And you know how you despair of ever being able to eat with such pleasure-less calculation? Rest assured, food engineers have developed the solution of your dreams.

 

Thank you, Hailey, for stomaching the sight of this long enough to take a picture.

D’accord?

My facebook friend Karen sent me this photo, which I immediately found glorious. There is something so wrong-right about the precise arrangement of sausages and meatballs on the plate, perfect in their shiny blandness. Then I googled Accord Powder and found out it’s a blend of sodium tripolyphosphate and potassium polyphosphate.

Mmmm. Nothing like homemade.

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Jambon Persillé

This is an actual dish, and I am assured by the contributor that it indeed tasted good, although the aspic turned out a little too soft. But I can’t stop looking at it. It’s as if an online game — one of those things where you have to make little balls disappear or diamonds match up in rows — turned into a foodstuff. Ping! Ping! And all the pickles come down!

Many thanks to David of Barons Meats for this contribution!

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