Pumpkin Spiced Nog

Okay, this entry — submitted by the legitimately outraged Dianne – is so bad it’s almost good again. Eggnog is an eighteenth-century drink and seems to be descended from late medieval possets. And pumpkin spice is basically a medieval spice mixture, a culinary blast from the past as it were. In fact, possets were often spiced with nutmeg and cinnamon. Basically, in search of trendiness, the folks from the aptly-named “Old New England” recreated a medieval drink. This is food gone unwittingly right!

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Coconut gouda

As awful as the idea of coconut gouda sounds, and to a rational person who does not author a blog on terrible food, it sounds pretty foul, the very idea of it cannot live up to the sheer horror of tasting it.

It’s not even the coconut, per se. There are cheeses made of coconut. But the folks who made this abomination, people who were clearly willing to leave a stain on their national history for the sake of a demented attempt at innovation, didn’t think natural coconut tasted coconuty enough to hold up to the gouda. So they added artificial coconut flavouring too.

The result is that biting into this cheese is like going into a Body Shop and drinking one of their perfumes, then chasing it with a bit of smoky cheese.

All kinds of philosophical questions are running through my head right now. Who would do something like this? What would compel them to create this monstrosity? Did they run focus groups, and were those people taking the piss when they filled out their questionnaires or did they really like it? And what kind of person actually buys this and eats it?

Me. That’s who. Me.

Breakfast mush

My facebook friend Susan knows from good food. Like, she really knows from good food. But she also gets that sometimes food is not about how it looks. Like this post bike ride breakfast mush I’ll let her describe:

Bad food that tastes so good. Because. Sustenance. Terrible plating makes it taste even better. Scrambled Farm eggs (cooked slowly following the French method), crappy supermarket chorizo, and hash brown cooked rendered chorizo fat.

What makes this a standout dish is the technique — scrambling the eggs gently, only to throttle them with a meaty, fatty, goopy topping. Also, that it looks terrible, but probably tastes amazing.

A lot of the people I ask to contribute hesitate. “But it was really good,” they say, “even if it looked ugly!” That’s the point. Food gone wrong is often very, very right.